I graduated from drama school in 1999 and got my first acting job at the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester in a production of Shakespeare’s King Lear. It was a small part but a big deal for me. I had dreamed of being an actor my whole life. And now here I was making my professional debut opposite Sir Tom Courtenay and alongside up-and-coming stars like David Tennant and Ashley Jensen.
King Lear is about a king going mad and losing himself in the wilderness. And that’s what happened to me during that job. I was only 23 and my drinking was out of control. I was aggressive to others, but mostly violent towards myself, full of self-loathing and prone to suicidal thoughts on a regular basis.
One evening after the show, I had a particularly bad night. I don’t remember much about it. I just remember waking up the next morning filled with shame. Dark thoughts invaded my head. My life had come to nothing. I was better off dead. I had two options – throw myself off a bridge, or become a full-blown alcoholic, devoting my life to destruction.
I was a complete atheist. I’d grown up in a Christian home but I no longer believed there was a God. However, I also didn’t want to kill myself. I was out of options. I was weeping. And my weeping became a prayer.
I cried: “Oh God, please help me, I don’t want to die.” My prayer was answered. A stillness came over me, a calm like I’d never felt before. It was as if time stood still and I entered another dimension. I went from wanting to die, to feeling like everything would be ok. And I never drank again.
I didn’t become a Christian then. It would be another 23 years before that happened. In fact, I retreated quickly into atheism again. But deep down, I knew that God had met me in that moment. That I’d called for him and he had answered.
My favourite part of the Bible is John 1:43-51, when Nathaniel meets Jesus for the first time. When Jesus says to him “I saw you under the fig tree”, I feel like that’s Jesus talking to me. He saw me on my knees in Manchester. He came to me then. And with patience and love, he waited for me to come to Him.
David Ireland
Re:Hope Southside
Trusting God sees, cares, and loves you — bring any desperate prayers or ‘unseen’ things to Him today.
Thanks David. I love that Jesus sees and loves us waaaaay before we see Him. Thank God He’s good!