For a while, I have known that I am the sort of person who feels the weight of others’ expectations heavily. I strive to be seen as a competent person, and I place a lot of value on my own productivity levels. Whilst I would never have articulated it directly, my lifestyle over the past season had started to show that I believed I must always be busy. I would physically be able to rest, but mentally I was planning my next productive moments or feeling pressure because I wasn’t doing all the things that needed to be done. This felt like more than just a ‘busy season’ but an accumulation of years of placing my worth in my doing.
Things started to shift further. I was noticing that nothing seemed to inspire me, and staying faithful in spiritual disciplines felt like a chore and not a joy. This was not how I wanted to live! I wanted to be able to live with rest, simplicity and stillness, but it felt so far away from my hectic everyday. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to let go of pressures and expectations, and I felt trapped and weak. Several months ago, I wrote this prayer in my journal: ‘Lord, help me to fully embrace and enjoy the enduring beauty of your presence’. I wasn’t sure how I could ‘do’ less but I wanted to learn how to ‘be’, noticing God, without rushing or striving. I didn’t want to hold Him at arm’s length. I wanted to linger and receive from Him. I knew with confidence in my heart and in my head that I was a child of God, fully loved and accepted, but I was desperate to feel it in my bones again.
Since then, I have been so refreshed and revitalised as I pursue Jesus. I can sit in the quiet with the Lord again, and know the freedom to be myself before Him. I have been blessed by friends who have spoken prophetic words of truth and encouragement over me. There was recently a period of several weeks where it felt like God was speaking through everything - skies, books, harmonies - I was noticing God’s presence with me and felt his peace and blessing in a deeper way than I had in years. I am delighted by His goodness and my heart is eager to worship Him as my grateful response to the One who sees and cares!
Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Sonja Smith
Re:Hope Southside
Has God highlighted any wrong beliefs, thought patterns, or behaviours that He wants to help shift? Take some time to journal and reflect today, and ask Him to do the inner work that needs done. Praise Jesus for His closeness these last 40 days, and the promise of His continued presence as you press on in prayer.
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